I'm Scared!!!

I consider myself a pretty fearless person. I can think of times I was nervous as a child but never paralyzed with fear. And as an adult, very few times I am even nervous. But I've learned something new about myself this summer... I am scared of heights! Like really scared of heights. When we went to Breckenridge this summer, we drove 10 miles up this gorgeous road to get to the start of the most beautiful hike I have ever been on. But in the car on the way up, there were times when a cliff was just to the side of us. Breathtaking views. But I had to turn my head or cover my eyes to avoid feeling nauseous. When we reached the top, I had to back away from the edge.

And now, we are in Destin, FL... in a 12th floor condo. And when I go on the balcony, I have to be sitting down all the way back against the wall. Otherwise, I feel dizzy. My chest tightens up. And I want to throw up! If I try to go to the edge of the balcony, I feel like I'm going to fall over. Is this weird? I had to stay back this morning while Kendall took a nap and I wanted to sit on the balcony to get some sun on my legs. I was practicing the breathing exercises I do with Tay to help her anxiety and I could not get myself to relax. I don't know why I'm blogging about this when I should be posting pictures of the beautiful beaches here but I just can't wrap my head around this new realization. Maybe it's a getting older, vertigo thing?

I'm curious - for somebody who experiences true anxiety on a daily basis... is this what it feels like? If so, my eyes have been opened. My mind is not playing out scenerios that I can talk myself through or prepare for. I literally am having a very physical reaction that is out of my control when I stand outside. Anyway... just thinking. If this is the same thing as anxiety, I am feeling more urgent about bringing Taylor to see somebody who understands it better than I can through books to give her more tools to feel less of this in her life. It is paralyzing. I keep thinking I can control it. I go outside and the physical reactions come back. Strange! So - enjoy the view! Because I can't... haha!