I might write a lot more interesting posts if I were able to have more weekends like this past one. Being in heaven... I mean Colorado, celebrating the life of a lost and loved family member, observing and hanging out with my very smart/accomplished/intimidating/wonderful siblings, and having no kids or a spouse with me gave me a LOT of time to think.
And to read. I read a book called the Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. The first few chapters were pretty tough for me to get through. I had no intentions of even finishing the book at that point, certainly not enjoying it. But as Gretchen's happiness project grew and developed, so did the depth of her observation. And as my weekend progressed, so did the book's application to my thoughts.
It is not easy to have the siblings and parents that I do. I don't have enough room to brag about each of their brilliance, humor, accomplishments, talents. It gets increasingly harder for me to feel their equal the longer I spend at home with my kids, along the same timeline they are building their resumes. Without my kids around to remind me why I do what I do, I found it very intimidating. I felt behind and not respected. (Since all of my siblings read this.... note that I recognize these are my own insecurities and feelings.... there was nothing that you did to make me feel this way).
But I also felt misunderstood. As we worked on a slideshow of my uncle's life, it was very apparent who this man was and what he loved to do. Almost every picture we came across had him in the mountains.... hiking, rock climbing, jeep riding.... with a camera in hand and his daughter/mother/sister at his side. His priorities were clear and beautiful.
I started to think about my own funeral. Who would I have speak? And what would they say? Do people, including my siblings, really know what is important to me? In my own surroundings, I have a lot of confidence in what I do, who I influence, and what I believe. But I am a person who seeks excellence at every turn and who is also very much a peace maker. I think those two traits weaken me and make me insecure when I am out of my element. I think Gretchen's Happiness Project helped me see why and also gave me motivation to put who I am out there a little more. For my kids, if for nobody else, so that I can begin to define how I want to be remembered.
Gretchen said, "I have an idea of who I wish I were and that obscures my understanding of who I actually am." I've been trying to think of a family motto and the phrase, "anxiously engaged in a good cause" comes to mind. If it is good... I want a big part in it. The busier I get, however, the more I recognize the need to say no. Most things are a distraction, another to do on my never ending to-do list, something else to take me away from my home. Everything others do that is great, I don't have to do. And I don't have to feel bad that I may not even want to do it.
I am a peacemaker. I am overly sensitive to the perceived feelings of others. And I don't want to make anybody feel uncomfortable. I have strong feelings on things like media, modesty, and the potential of every child of our Father in Heaven. In my own element, around people who believe as I do, I influence. I encourage. I motivate and change people's lives. I am a leader. Around people who don't believe as I do, I am quiet. And insecure. And accommodating. In most ways, I find the way I am a good thing. I just don't have the desire to push others to think the way I do. I find variety in the world a very beautiful thing and I respect anything good, whether it be what I believe or not. But at the same time, I don't want my siblings or others to show up at my funeral and be shocked to learn about what was important to me because I was too afraid to make them feel uncomfortable. I am ready to start defining who I am. And at Gretchen's advice: Be Melanie.
Here is a beginning list/confession of things I find fun or important:
1. I am Mormon. I have been writing on this blog for 3 1/2 years and I have only hinted a few times at my religious affiliation. I guess I've been afraid to offend but even more so, I am afraid that my faith will be cheapened through sarcasm, a rolled eye, anger, hurt, or ignorance. BE MELANIE. I am who I am because of my faith. When I experimented with the guidance and promises made by modern day prophets 12 years ago, I experienced a radical and lovely change. I felt a lightness in my load and a broadened perspective. In celebration of "being Melanie", I am declaring this core part of myself with a button on my homepage.
2. I love to help people think big. My favorite quote is, "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." Whether it is helping Jared see that he is smart enough to get into dental school, or watching my kids develop a talent, or editing a resume so the author realizes they are more qualified for the job than they thought they were, or helping a youth figure out that being good is really fun and quite possible, I really love to help people think big and then succeed.
3. The details matter to me. I don't know how to skip over them very easily. Organizing in detail an essay or talk, my house, my inbox, or Christmas morning for my kids matter to me. It drove me crazy when I would help Jared with chemistry or algebra and he wanted to be done with a problem before he found the answer, as long as he felt he understood the concept. Going through all the details and finishing the question brings me a lot of satisfaction. The details matter more than the time it takes me. That doesn't mean my house and life is always in order. It's not. I guess I like organizing but I'm not always good at keeping up the organization. Regardless, I just really find the details and the final product very fun. I bring this up because I don't always VALUE the details. I value people who seem to have their priorities on the bigger picture. But then I look at the detail in this incredible world and I realize that sometimes the details ARE the bigger picture and my eye for detail may be a gift I shouldn't try to ignore.
Other things I find really fascinating and fun: the healing power of raw foods (I have a closet obsession with raw food blogs but a non closet addiction to sugar), hiking/exploring beautiful places, high intensity/sweaty exercise, puzzles, word searches/boggle, parties, music, reconnecting with old friends, and family visitng/staying at my house.
Gretchen also said, "Relinquishing my fantasies of what I wished I found fun allowed me more room to do the things that I did find fun." I am relinquishing my fantasies of finding the following fun: entertaining, politics, museums and history, television, crude humor, yoga, food storage, the art of cooking, shopping (this might make it to the other list when I have money again), travel, and professional and/or college sports.
OKAY.... I think my post is long enough.
But on one final note.... I found a job this weekend as well!!! Gretchen's research pronounced that one extra hour of sleep will do more for a person's daily happiness than a $60,000 raise. If I get to bed by 10 o'clock, that'll be more like a $120,000 income for our family. And so I commit. After my yearbook deadline on the 25th:)
And to read. I read a book called the Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. The first few chapters were pretty tough for me to get through. I had no intentions of even finishing the book at that point, certainly not enjoying it. But as Gretchen's happiness project grew and developed, so did the depth of her observation. And as my weekend progressed, so did the book's application to my thoughts.
It is not easy to have the siblings and parents that I do. I don't have enough room to brag about each of their brilliance, humor, accomplishments, talents. It gets increasingly harder for me to feel their equal the longer I spend at home with my kids, along the same timeline they are building their resumes. Without my kids around to remind me why I do what I do, I found it very intimidating. I felt behind and not respected. (Since all of my siblings read this.... note that I recognize these are my own insecurities and feelings.... there was nothing that you did to make me feel this way).
But I also felt misunderstood. As we worked on a slideshow of my uncle's life, it was very apparent who this man was and what he loved to do. Almost every picture we came across had him in the mountains.... hiking, rock climbing, jeep riding.... with a camera in hand and his daughter/mother/sister at his side. His priorities were clear and beautiful.
I started to think about my own funeral. Who would I have speak? And what would they say? Do people, including my siblings, really know what is important to me? In my own surroundings, I have a lot of confidence in what I do, who I influence, and what I believe. But I am a person who seeks excellence at every turn and who is also very much a peace maker. I think those two traits weaken me and make me insecure when I am out of my element. I think Gretchen's Happiness Project helped me see why and also gave me motivation to put who I am out there a little more. For my kids, if for nobody else, so that I can begin to define how I want to be remembered.
Gretchen said, "I have an idea of who I wish I were and that obscures my understanding of who I actually am." I've been trying to think of a family motto and the phrase, "anxiously engaged in a good cause" comes to mind. If it is good... I want a big part in it. The busier I get, however, the more I recognize the need to say no. Most things are a distraction, another to do on my never ending to-do list, something else to take me away from my home. Everything others do that is great, I don't have to do. And I don't have to feel bad that I may not even want to do it.
I am a peacemaker. I am overly sensitive to the perceived feelings of others. And I don't want to make anybody feel uncomfortable. I have strong feelings on things like media, modesty, and the potential of every child of our Father in Heaven. In my own element, around people who believe as I do, I influence. I encourage. I motivate and change people's lives. I am a leader. Around people who don't believe as I do, I am quiet. And insecure. And accommodating. In most ways, I find the way I am a good thing. I just don't have the desire to push others to think the way I do. I find variety in the world a very beautiful thing and I respect anything good, whether it be what I believe or not. But at the same time, I don't want my siblings or others to show up at my funeral and be shocked to learn about what was important to me because I was too afraid to make them feel uncomfortable. I am ready to start defining who I am. And at Gretchen's advice: Be Melanie.
Here is a beginning list/confession of things I find fun or important:
1. I am Mormon. I have been writing on this blog for 3 1/2 years and I have only hinted a few times at my religious affiliation. I guess I've been afraid to offend but even more so, I am afraid that my faith will be cheapened through sarcasm, a rolled eye, anger, hurt, or ignorance. BE MELANIE. I am who I am because of my faith. When I experimented with the guidance and promises made by modern day prophets 12 years ago, I experienced a radical and lovely change. I felt a lightness in my load and a broadened perspective. In celebration of "being Melanie", I am declaring this core part of myself with a button on my homepage.
2. I love to help people think big. My favorite quote is, "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." Whether it is helping Jared see that he is smart enough to get into dental school, or watching my kids develop a talent, or editing a resume so the author realizes they are more qualified for the job than they thought they were, or helping a youth figure out that being good is really fun and quite possible, I really love to help people think big and then succeed.
3. The details matter to me. I don't know how to skip over them very easily. Organizing in detail an essay or talk, my house, my inbox, or Christmas morning for my kids matter to me. It drove me crazy when I would help Jared with chemistry or algebra and he wanted to be done with a problem before he found the answer, as long as he felt he understood the concept. Going through all the details and finishing the question brings me a lot of satisfaction. The details matter more than the time it takes me. That doesn't mean my house and life is always in order. It's not. I guess I like organizing but I'm not always good at keeping up the organization. Regardless, I just really find the details and the final product very fun. I bring this up because I don't always VALUE the details. I value people who seem to have their priorities on the bigger picture. But then I look at the detail in this incredible world and I realize that sometimes the details ARE the bigger picture and my eye for detail may be a gift I shouldn't try to ignore.
Other things I find really fascinating and fun: the healing power of raw foods (I have a closet obsession with raw food blogs but a non closet addiction to sugar), hiking/exploring beautiful places, high intensity/sweaty exercise, puzzles, word searches/boggle, parties, music, reconnecting with old friends, and family visitng/staying at my house.
Gretchen also said, "Relinquishing my fantasies of what I wished I found fun allowed me more room to do the things that I did find fun." I am relinquishing my fantasies of finding the following fun: entertaining, politics, museums and history, television, crude humor, yoga, food storage, the art of cooking, shopping (this might make it to the other list when I have money again), travel, and professional and/or college sports.
OKAY.... I think my post is long enough.
But on one final note.... I found a job this weekend as well!!! Gretchen's research pronounced that one extra hour of sleep will do more for a person's daily happiness than a $60,000 raise. If I get to bed by 10 o'clock, that'll be more like a $120,000 income for our family. And so I commit. After my yearbook deadline on the 25th:)
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10 comments:
Oh Melanie, what a beautiful post. I admire your honesty, your dreams and your realization of who you are! I feel very much the same as you on many parts.. especially the part about saying no to things when overloaded! I am trying to apply more effort to "finding myself" in many of the same ways you mentioned. I get so overloaded with mundane (sometimes not so mundane)things, that I kind of forget who I am. I love your line "Everything others do that is great, I don't have to do. And I don't have to feel bad that I may not even want to do it".. I totally agree and have been thinking this a lot today. I like the relinquishing the fantasies thing too... and the going to bed one hour earlier. I am working on that as well! Great post :)
Cool.
I just hopped on over from Lynette's blog and what a great read!
Thanks for sharing your feelings that I think we can all relate to and draw inspiration from.
I've been working on my "new job" of getting up earlier! :)
You and your family are beautiful and you make the talented Nielson family I knew long ago even more amazing!
I admire you, Mel!
Oh sweet sister! Don’t you know how much I look up to you and admire your strength, your caring nature, your optimism and how all that breeds happiness like a bubble following you around? And don’t you know that I know who you are and what is important to you? Remember that I was by your side growing up, through the high school craziness, through the college self-discoveries, through your business adventure, watching you mentor the young women in Vidor, alongside your growing family? When it surprised your best friends when you “became” mormon, I only saw it as you committing yourself to a faith that was always a part of you. I’ve always loved your scrapbooks and master craftability and wish I could follow through so well on the 10 or so projects that I’ve started and never finished… Whenever we get together, I always loved our conversations of a deeper connection with the world, of our goals, of relationships. I noticed this has been missing the last few visits. I fear my lack of faith pushed you away. But can’t I BE SARA while you BE MELANIE? Can’t these be beautifully different and respected? Can’t we still share our all of our experiences, not just the ones that are comfortable or the same? I respect you and belief the life you’re pursuing is extraordinarily important. And I want to talk through all these new discoveries you find along the way! You know, I’ve been struggling through the balance of pursuing true interests and relinquishing false ones… Here’s my motivation for staying true to myself because there’s just not enough time otherwise: http://www.16handsgallery.com/store/Enough-Time-feminine-print-p-16149.html
However, I do admit I’m still figuring out what those “important things” are. I seem to have relinquished too much and now I’m trying to decide what needs to be added back in. I’m excited to see you this weekend and hope we can dive into these things with a long conversation. :)
We just got to Shay & Jenny's so I only have a minute. But I wanted to comment that I think my issues come in that I put more value in what it means to BE SARA, BE ROICE, BE BEN, ect. than I do in what it means to be me. Why do I feel so insecure and behind? It is BECAUSE I look up to you and admire you and love everything about who you are. I feel the desire to live up to you, to do all of the things that all of you do because they are great and good and true. And I am attracted to that. But I can't. And I shouldn't. This post was a reminder to myself that the only way for me to thrive is to pay attention to me, to not let my admiration for others make me feel bad about my self. I have worried all day about how you all would take this post. But this is not a you thing. And just because I need to relinquish some things does not mean they will not be a part of my life or my conversations. For example, Jared loves history and museums. I like nature. I'm grateful our kids will have both. But it is liberating to me to be able to say it just isn't my thing.
I love Melanie Wright! :)
I love "you" Mel!
Melanie, you are a beautiful piece of the fabric that is the Nelson siblings and you are all accomplished in your own way - including you! You know you do amazingly good detailed work; you just don't share that with everyone all the time but it is admirable how you have touched so many people's lives in so many ways. I am so grateful to have you as a friend and to witness your personal growth over the years. You will always be the same smart, compassionate, thoughtful and fun Melanie who listens to, supports and loves her friends and family unconditionally. You embrace and respect what others close to you believe, think and feel and simply ask others to do the same for you. I hope you never stop being Melanie!! I love her :)
I've always wanted to be Melanie too! You make it look so good. You just have so many crazy great talents. I adore you! Thank you so much for sharing yourself in this amazing post. I know that was hard and took a lot of thought and courage. I'm better and stronger for having read it. I'm also better and stronger for knowing you. Thanks! You're the best. Go and have fun being Melanie! Love ya
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